Old Guys Still ROCK

Blair Armstrong (01:20)
All right. All right. All right. All right. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Wherever you may be. This is your first time here. I am Blair Armstrong of team Armstrong. Coldwell banker.

I'm a global luxury specialist in the world of residential real estate located here in the beautiful, but very unseasonably warm Coachella Valley at this time. This is old guy still rock again. If this is your first time here, we are an actually episode number one, one four dude. Amazing. Almost two and a half years of, of a podcast growing the right way organically. We're not.

Brent Wright (01:51)
I know, it's crazy, ⁓

Blair Armstrong (02:00)
buying viewers or followers and stuff like that. again, for all the people that have subscribed to our channels, either be it through YouTube or Spotify or iTunes or Apple, whatever that may be, we appreciate all that. But you're gonna see a couple different people here. Again, if this is your first time, if you're a returner, you know who the guy on my left is. This is Brent Wright of Brent Wright Incorporated, a very, very good friend of mine for almost 30 years.

I have been keeping, even though we're sick, it's be like 50 years into this one day, dude. I'm gonna still say 30 years so I don't age myself. Anyway, Brett Wright of Brett Wright Incorporated says, Samantha, many different hats. Again, just an accumulation over 30 plus years of doing this from body shops to detail shops. Him and his wife started a wellness center just a little over two years ago. Payroll companies, multi-property owner.

Brent Wright (02:33)
Cause you're 29 again.

Blair Armstrong (02:52)
the list keeps going on another claim to fame that he's been doing for years and years. And it's just appealing back the onion more and helping more and more people out. Great, great personal coach. Great, great business coach. he had an, he had an epiphany, I guess, last week with one of his clients where the student actually taught the teacher. So that was kind of a cool little thing. And, Gerard, keep doing what you're doing out there, buddy. We know that you follow us. So.

Brent Wright (03:14)
Yeah.

Blair Armstrong (03:19)
There's that. And we have a special guest today, a very good friend of mine. We were brought together by a mutual friend of ours who's actually in the real estate world. This is Shelly Gordon of Gordon Property Management. We are in a sort of a suit of a collaboration, if you may, and that collaboration is about to expand here pretty soon, which is gonna be pretty cool. And we're gonna announce that a little bit later, but you're gonna have to watch Instagram for that.

Anyways, go to property management. She's located out here. She is one of those people that if you're an investor and you're looking to become into in the property or basically in the investment world, the real estate, you find her, she goes out and finds your property. Then she finds me. I do the real estate side. She does the property management side. But the cool thing about her is that she'll go in, she'll evaluate what needs to be done to go ahead and give you the best return of investment.

if it's a renovation, if it's adding a bedroom, if it's adding a bathroom, whatever that may be. And then she comes back to you and said, you need to do this, this and this and it has produced this, this and this. And we do that and she's has a really great track record. So we'll get more of that a little bit later. So welcome to our show. Thank you. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. It's going to be fun today. It's going to be a little bit vulnerable.

A whole lot vulnerable. whole lot vulnerable, but that's what we're talking about. We talk about wins and losses on this podcast. And some days there's good days and some days there's not some fun days, but how we, what our topic is going to be is how we gather strength in the ashes. If you guys have been following us for 130, 113 episodes before this, hear Brett and I talk about getting to a point and burning it all down.

Well, recently there's some stuff in her life that just is cause her to burn it down and there's, there's new life in these ashes. And we're excited to talk about that. So before we get into you, I got to ask my good friend for almost 30 years, Brent Wright. How is the weather in Eugene, Oregon, dude? you just got back from a world of, chaos and Disneyland, but what is actually super calm, the way that you have cultivated your family over the years.

Brent Wright (05:20)
So.

Yeah, so we don't live in a manic world. We don't have a lot of ups and downs. So even though we were at, you know, on vacation, so to speak, get up at the same times, do our same routines, do all of our stuff. We got a lot of compliments. It was, it was very rewarding time. We got a lot of compliments from the staff that we interacted with at the hotel, at several restaurants.

My team from PCI in Los Angeles gave tons of compliments to my kids. A proud dad moment, put tears in my eyes a little bit to see the fruits of your labor over the last 11 years coming to fruition in your kids and seeing them execute on a level that most adults struggle to execute on. So not only did we have a good time at Disneyland, at

California Adventure. We also had a good time at my payroll company's 20th anniversary. So that was super cool.

Yeah. by the way, bustedtees.com. Shameless plug.

Blair Armstrong (06:35)
And about another

30 years, brother, I will have that in my repertoire for it, for your introductions of just another thing that you're accomplishing in your life. So, you know, again, you. Yeah. And the private equity group on top of that. So one good thing that, know, when we talk about Brent is like, Oh yeah, he has a man of many hats, but this is not something that he's like, okay, I'm going to do all of this at once. It's coming in. It's doing something. It's getting it right.

Brent Wright (06:38)
Hahaha! ⁓

and our private equity group.

Blair Armstrong (07:00)
And then go ahead and like, okay, my bandwidth is expanded. So now I can bring this on and then my bandwidth is expanded. So sometimes people, he is a different breed. You'll never find a lot of maybe one or two others that are out there, but I talked to him and then I have to take a nap because I'm so tired of hearing what he has to do. I don't know when he sleeps, but he sleeps enough. But anyway, let's get to.

Brent Wright (07:22)
Over the last two nights,

I built a retaining, a rock retaining wall that's eight feet tall and filled it all in with dirt and everything. That's what Lincoln and I have done in the last two nights. About 100 yards work.

Blair Armstrong (07:36)
I feel that's Building a wall, dude. What are you keeping out? With a big flag behind it. ⁓ OK,

Brent Wright (07:39)
Racist?

I know. I'm keeping dirt in. I'm keeping dirt in. yeah.

I live on a hill. So it's like this. So we have to cut these flat areas just to have anything. Yeah, yeah.

Blair Armstrong (07:54)
Yeah. I used

to live in Washington and we lived on the top of the hill that looked over the whole valley and we had to build like kind of like a retaining wall. So like our yard base that wouldn't fall down to the other house. I totally get it. Yeah. Yeah. Get it. So you ready? Ready? Let's get into this. Yeah, I'm excited for you. This is a big step for you. Yeah. This is an unveiling for for Shelly Gordon her new world.

Brent Wright (08:04)
Yeah, I have four of them, yep. Yeah.

Blair Armstrong (08:20)
and how you're managing it. So why don't you give us a little background as to what's been happening over the last year to six months and to reason it and whatever kind of comes up, this is strictly a conversation, share what you wanna share and don't share what you don't wanna share. And then you brought some books in as well. some books, yeah. Brett and I are probably gonna cut you off here and there just to ask some questions. So don't lose your thought if we cut you off. Yeah, so you actually said something in one of the books I brought.

actually your legacy. How about that dude? Yeah. So, Dr. James Dobson, I don't know if you guys know him, but, there's some books that I've been reading through my journey. If you've ever gone through something that's, life altering life shaking, you feel like somebody lit a match and walked away and watched you burn. you find people in your life, you find

Brent Wright (08:54)
Nice.

Blair Armstrong (09:12)
Resources for me, it was the Lord really said you're enough. You're gonna make it. I'm gonna be there with you. I'm gonna watch you rise. I'm gonna bless you stay faithful. But that's really been like a testimony pretty much of most of my life. I did not have an easy childhood. I did not have an easy young adult hood, I guess you would call it. I moved out when I was 16.

Went to college and there was just one trial after another. Had a terrible car accident, caused a spinal cord injury. 10 years ago I had a life altering surgery where I was basically paralyzed and the doctor says you're never gonna do this, this and this. And I said I am gonna do this, this and this. Went into the surgery not knowing if I was gonna come out.

Um, that 10 year anniversary was actually on the 3rd of August this year and I'm moving my hands and my arms and, um, that's how we came to California from Washington. Um, I was going through spinal cord rehab and they found out that if you live closer to the equator, you have less symptoms. If you have a spinal cord injury, um, they said, find the driest plate place that you can. Well, guess where we ended up the driest place that you can. Um, and, um,

Brent Wright (10:03)
Hmm.

Blair Armstrong (10:28)
Yeah, so I've had a lot of trials. Parents were divorced since I was one years old. You name it, it's happened. But recently, yeah, so the love of my life, we were together for 29 years, October this year. This month will be our 26th anniversary. Things just got kind of rough and he decided that

I wasn't part of his life anymore. And he decided that the grass was greener on the other side. And yeah, he decided that Shelly Gordon wasn't gonna be part of his life anymore. And my world shattered. mean, looking back sometimes when you think about a betrayal or a trauma, you can see the signs that you didn't wanna see. I was that person. I was so true to my faith.

There was nothing in me ever that would have ever thought even when it was hard, I was gonna walk away from it. I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I probably threatened the D word every now and then because I came from ashes. I came from brokenness. I didn't know what it looked like to stay together, but it was my personal mission to make sure that my marriage wouldn't fail. And well.

that my mission wasn't maybe the Lord's mission. I'm not quite sure but it was

The hardest thing to hear somebody who was your whole world to tell you that you were no longer their whole world. But I just hit my knees and engulfed myself in books. I decided I wasn't going to be silent. And that didn't mean that I sit on the mountaintop and I was like, hey, look at my story.

but I wasn't going to burn in the fire by myself. And that would be the one thing that I would say to individuals who are going through a betrayal or a trauma or a sickness or any type of tragedy that you're going through in your life, don't do it alone. Find a group of individuals, not an entire valley, but a group of individuals that are gonna help you, who are gonna lift you up, who are gonna

be there for you who are gonna encourage you and say, no, you're not gonna do that or yes, you're going to do that or I have a friend that every single day she has me do my gratitude list. And she's been doing that for me for two months. And I'm telling you when you don't feel grateful for anything, when you feel like your whole world's been just literally burnt down to the ground and you're watching your children.

As a mother, that's probably been the hardest part for me is watching my children just burning the ashes and the pain and the betrayal for them. know, when a marriage is broken and betrayal happens, it doesn't just happen to the other individual. It happens to the children. It happens to your future generations.

it happens to your friends, happens to the people who are in your life that looked at you as that couple that you were an example to them and that vision of almost 30 years of being together to them and some betrayal as well. I am so thankful for all the friends in my life that have encouraged me have pushed me have reminded me

You have been blessed with this business. You have been blessed with three amazing children. You have blessed with this opportunity, the opportunities I have in my life. so I've just, I've fed myself every single day with positivity, with worship music, with goals, prayers, reminding myself that I have a jar in my kitchen that's answered prayers. I have a,

to be prayed, a prayed and an answered prayer jar. And I look at that answer prayer jar and I actually think, Lord, you got me through all of those prayers that I had. Why wouldn't you get me through this one? Why wouldn't you be the one that provides a miracle for my family? And whatever that miracle is, I still don't know what it is. Maybe it's just getting up in the morning. Maybe it's helping me to grow my business.

Maybe as being an example for my kids, for friends, for other women, I've recently joined a group called Betrayal and Beyond and they're gonna start meeting at my house and I'm gonna be there for them and encourage them because this type of betrayal as a woman is not easy to overcome. Yeah.

I wanted you to keep doing about there's a couple of things and I lose track of my questions. So Brent, do you have anything to say? I mean, it's so good. We've been talking about this for 113 episodes and sometimes we get the right people to say the right thing. mean, say the things that we always hope that people say, but to actually watch you just unveil the inner parts of your onion, if you may, and be that vulnerable. You can easily, which a lot of people do.

Brent Wright (15:14)
You

Blair Armstrong (15:38)
is massively lose your identity, jump into a bottle of alcohol or drugs, completely just let everything continue to stay in ashes. But you did so many different things that not taking away that Brett and I are freaking smart here. I'm just saying as the past episodes, we find don't live in a silo. You haven't been living in a silo. Go find people to surround yourself that may be experiencing the same different pain and know that you're not alone.

But then again, it's, know, it's, Chrissy just talked about this last night. She's getting honored for something like that. She's like, I'm really nervous. I'm like, this is your opportunity. said, and I freaking love this so much is that. And I said, good. And she goes, why, why is it good? And I said, because this is God shining through you to let you shine your light, which you've been needing to shine forever. And this is your light. And then, and then, and then.

and the depth of just this abyss of darkness. There's still light, right? So Brent, I'm gonna leave it with you. I know you got some stuff to stay because I can get long-winded. So I'm gonna let you ask some questions and make some statements and then we'll get right back into this is so good. Great start by the way.

Brent Wright (16:49)
Yes,

I like the delivery. It sparked a ton of thoughts. ⁓ I've got a full page in like a little section here. So I'm gonna start kind of at the beginning of your story, which you may not even realize some of these triggers. And so I'm just gonna bring them up and then we can talk through them. I read a study yesterday, ironically, because nothing's ironic, it's predetermined, right? So.

Blair Armstrong (16:54)
Awesome.

Yeah.

Brent Wright (17:15)
Which I love the fact that you keep bringing that up. I want to make people understand that although we are a faith-based podcast and faith-based people, we also know that some of our listeners are not, and that's okay. That's your calling, your situation, but we are, and we're not afraid to talk about it and tell you about it. And so I'm grateful that you bring that up. But what I was reading,

about and watching yesterday, it kind of took me down a road. started reading this study and then I looked it up and they actually had the author of the study actually talking about it in a podcast style forum, like maybe at a conference or something like that. And the talk was about trauma is in your, it's pre-programmed in your RNA, not your DNA, but your RNA.

So the trauma that you have been living was pre-programmed in you from your ancestors. So you know you've heard that, well, they're just an old soul, right? And we know based upon our faith that nobody's reincarnated. However, we also know that there was and is some truth in the fact that

although God created everything and it all happened in so many days and all you heard the story, we do have and can evolve after we are made, okay? And our evolution again is pre-programmed, we know that. However, there are some things that are pre-programmed in you that you don't have any control over. And I found this study interesting because the trauma that you're dealing with might be a thousand years old.

It might be 2,000 years old. You might be living some trauma from past relatives that your parents didn't break and their parents didn't break and their parents didn't break. So the opportunity here is for your kids is for you to break that.

Blair Armstrong (19:18)
It is that's really what the Lord has told me to be honest with you is do not let this be a thousand year, a thousand generational curse that follows behind you. not. And in fact, that is if I'm going to be really vulnerable, that is the one thing that I actually told my husband before I got out of the car and said, okay, if you're going to choose her, I can't.

the second place. So that means unfortunately, we're going to have to end this covenant. But I need you to understand that there is a thousand generational curse that happens from this. And I'm not going to be the one that continues that on. So I told him like, do you want to move forward with that? And of course, that's what he chose. But it doesn't mean that's what I'm choosing. I

That's the reason why I've engulfed myself in things that talk about like legacy for your children. Yeah, on the book, it shows another man walking side by side with his wife. It doesn't mean that that man can't, my husband can't be the Lord walking there with me. Right now, yeah, the Lord is my husband right now. And so I'm leaning on him to help me to not

Brent Wright (20:30)
Well, yeah. ⁓

Blair Armstrong (20:40)
have this be the testimony or the story that defines my children. I want them to look at me and say, my mom had the strength. She did not sit there and burn. She decided to stand up with the support of other individuals and be an example for them that I know I keep saying God a lot, but in God's strength, can do.

He is our strength when we are not strong. And the only reason why I'm here today and I'm sitting here is because of God's strength. I prayed all the way here, I prayed this morning and I said, Lord, use me. Whatever it is that you want me to say, have me say it so that some other person, some other woman, whoever can realize that they have the strength from the Lord if they need it.

I mean, what a great, I think I'm gonna rewind that for a little bit back from you is you talked about covenant in the beginning of your talk when you're going through this. And when a marriage, that's your covenant, right? But at the end of the day, your covenant, ultimately, especially with people with faith, your covenant is with God. That's all you have realistically at the end of the day in our faith. Other people can sit there and well, as Brent said,

Not everyone has to have the faith that Brent has. I have, you have, and that's okay. That's your decision. Everyone makes a decision. There's that, but our covenant is with that. So regardless of what happens at the end of the day, I have to be in a marriage with him. Him, me and God. And what a great crutch to fall back on in our eyes. What a great crutch to fall back on.

because I could fall back, as I said earlier, a lot of people that may not have that faith or still stepping into their faith fall back to alcohol, fall back to drugs, fall back to self-infliction of bodily damages or making really bad decisions and jumping into another relationship right away and not healing. Right now you're still healing, right? There's band-aids on the body that have to,

you have light coming through you right now, but there's times when you're sitting in the bedroom that it often sucks. it's terrible. The nights are the worst. Yes. You, especially when you, don't, for anybody who's been with anybody for an extended period of time, it's like, there's a soul tie there and that soul time being broken is excruciating. It's a very painful, physically painful process of

breaking that soul tie that the Lord put together. it's a new journey on when this all first happened, this is me being extremely vulnerable. I wrote a poem about it hurts. Literally it hurt to breathe, it hurt to walk, it hurt to eat, it hurt to think, it hurt to get up out of my bed.

it hurt to stop thinking about him. It hurt to think about him. It hurt to think about the past, the future, the what ifs, the I'm going to be alone, all these things. It just hurts so bad. And anybody who's gone through this type of betrayal, not only with a broken marriage, but the betrayal of somebody choosing somebody else besides you. That is a level of brokenness that someone could have told me that

In fact, part of my testimony is that February this year, I joined the Betrayal Beyond group. I didn't know why I was in there. God has a funny sense of humor. And I was in this group with all these women and they're telling their testimonies about their husband's addiction to pornography, the affairs, prostitutes, you name it. And I'm sitting in there going, gosh, Lord, this is...

Why am I in this class? Why did you sign me up? And all the homework is all about sexual betrayal. And I thought it was because of other material that had happened in our marriage. My husband developed an alcohol addiction, probably dealing with what he was going through. So I thought I was in there for that. Well, a few months in, guess what? We found out that Shelly was in there for a reason.

I don't know where I was going with that. No, it's good. got it. think it's Oh, yeah. Oh, my point was is that I was listening to these women and I was like, Wow, that's sad. Okay, yeah, that that would really hurt. But then when it happens to you, when somebody

Brent Wright (25:08)
I can help.

Blair Armstrong (25:23)
intimately chooses somebody else that's not you. It's a pain level that nobody can relate to until they've gone through themselves. And not only for me, it's been interesting for me to see how painful that's been for my children, to know that their father who was

their example of what it looks like to be dedicated to one woman is no longer that example. And them knowing that he's with her right now and we're so legally married. What is the whole lot to err on? That's been a journey to watch them go through.

Brent and I know you got something to say. gonna say this while you're writing that down. anyway, I think that's what you're saying is, yeah, it's a lot to go through and you're sharing a lot of better stuff, but you're not the only one that's ever done this. And so what happened is, is again, know, straight through light, right? Brent and I always talk about that no matter how dark it gets, there's always light. God will always provide light. So regardless of your sharing so much to it, and there is giving that courage in my mind and Brent's mind in your mind.

Uh, you are throwing one more starfish back out into the ocean to save that starfish. could give it maybe someone, maybe it's this week, maybe it's a month from now, maybe it's a year from now, someone comes across this episode and they're looking for that strength. And that what you just said over the last, you know, for the first. Partion of it to second, third portion of it. They finally found their starfish, right? And then now they go ahead and it's like, okay, well, I found my starfish. Now I'm going to go find another one and I'm going to throw that one back. So.

It's a ripple effect that you may never ever see, ever see. But what you shared is what we can encourage people all the time is okay to have a loss. This is a big L. I get it. I went through it years ago. wasn't, it's not fun. Brent's gone through it. It's something that you never want to have go through, especially if you have kids.

Fortunately with Brent didn't have kids, I did. It's a whole different dynamic. Again, not taking anything away from you, but it just said is for you being this vulnerable, especially from a woman's side, that is the last thing a woman wants to know is they failed the relationship. It's a little bit easier for guys to walk away from. It's a lot harder because they're always, we're always, you know.

I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want to get lost in the shuffle. I have this persona of being great. I'm a woman of faith. And how much that means in that persona, and all of a is Satan trying to rip that away and expose you. But in the same sense, you're basically, I get passionate on this. So once in a time, I'm so sorry, God. It's like, F you, Satan.

You're not taking me down today. Brandt I know you have a bunch of stuff there that you want to say I just had to get that off my mind I have something that I want it real quick. Is that

I really realized that it takes two to tango and there were so many things that I was not doing right. Absolutely. So I would say the other part of my testimony is really digging deep and realizing, okay, I thought I was a good wife. I was loyal. I was a Christian played by the rules.

But was I really a good wife? Was I really doing all I could to build my husband up? Was I really doing all that I could to make him feel respected? Was I doing all that I could to even know there was hurt and trauma in our marriage? Was I doing all I could to stop looking in the review mirror and not constantly bringing those things up? So when you go through trauma,

or your life is burnt down to ashes. I would also say encourage you to look within and not just point the finger at the person who's maybe caused your trauma, but you were part of that trauma. You were part of that breaking of whatever it is that's broken in your life. for me, I saw a lot of things about me that weren't so healthy and I needed to change those things. And so that's what I've been working on. In fact, you said something to me.

that I've been using is the three H's. The cummer. And that's been a huge thing for me is because I'm a business woman, I'm a survivor, I'm motivated, I'm like, okay, we have a problem. I kind of act like a man. We have a problem, how do we solve it? Well, that doesn't work so well for everybody. And you wanted to say what the three H's are? Go for it, you got it. Okay, so do you want to be heard?

Do you want to have help or do want to hug? And I think a lot of times you go into conversations and you don't really want to be helped. You just want to be heard, right? You don't want somebody saying, well, this is what you need to do. Sometimes you're just so broken. I remember in the beginning, all I wanted to do was just have people hold me because...

A hug is a contact, a transfer of energy from somebody who is so weak and needs the strength of somebody else. God designed hugs for a reason.

Brent Wright (30:49)
No, it's like a battery. It's a positive and negative charge, right? So one person is a negative charge, the other person's a positive charge. My wife and I are exactly that. Like when I give her a hug or we have physical touch, she gets recharged and so do I.

Blair Armstrong (30:52)
Yes.

Yeah. And the world used to be more about hugging, right? Right. So herd helped or hugged and.

I used to be a little bit more of a yeller. I get amplified pretty quick. I wasn't exactly a safe place for people to come to. I've really just redesigned that because that's not healthy. I'm constantly thinking you have something to bring to me. Am I going to be a healthy and safe place? So I would also say whenever you're going through a trial and your world has been rocked no matter how it is health financially.

Brent Wright (31:22)
yeah, pick me.

Blair Armstrong (31:41)
emotionally, whatever it is, maybe look within and think, okay, what do I need to change? What do I need to do? Because I don't want my story to end this way. So I have to change so that the next person I attract or the other individuals in my life that I'm going to, like you said, trauma is a generational. And if you want that to stop, you have to own your partner. So good. Yeah. What you got for me?

Brent Wright (32:09)
Well, and on

that, think that you have not on purpose, not as a conscious decision, probably from the time that you were old enough to remember, if you were to look back, you've been seeking out codependency due to the trauma response that you've had. And so the codependency is really the thing that needs to be broken. So I would tell you that

Blair Armstrong (32:28)
Yeah, ouch.

Brent Wright (32:35)
and you said this, that the Lord is your husband right now, and I would tell you to continue that. However, you need to not stop looking for the signs that you are going to be given, that it's time, because it's not on your time. Like I tried to make it my time. I waited 12 years.

I punished two or three other women in the process. Wouldn't commit, wouldn't do all the things, wouldn't be the person I needed to be for them, all of that. At my house, it was like a national forest. You pack it in, you pack it out. It's like camping. Nobody got to stay for more than a day or two.

There were no long weekends. Two days was a large commitment for me. And I punished others because of that trauma response. ⁓ The other thing that I wrote down is in response to what you were saying about being a good wife. Maybe you were looking, you need to be reflective. You maybe weren't being all you could be. So that starts out biblically.

Blair Armstrong (33:26)
Yeah.

Brent Wright (33:43)
that your husband is supposed to be the leader, right? And he is supposed to lead with a servant's heart. You are supposed to follow. But you can't follow without him leading with a servant's heart because you don't feel like you can be in a place of safety. For women, the most important thing that I have learned is that

Blair Armstrong (33:46)
Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brent Wright (34:09)
If a man is not providing safety 100 % of the time, like if they feel like that their man doesn't have their back in a situation at a restaurant. I mean, when we walk in, I guide my family to where we're sitting. I sit closest to the door. I sit with my back to the wall. My wife knows that if anything goes down,

The first thing they're supposed to do is get under the table and get down and I'm taking care of business. And that's not just from a physical thing. It's a mental and psychological understanding that she has that I am the protector. I am the ultimate protector. So first God, then me, then everything else. Right? And so she also knows that there are times when I might not do what she wants me to do.

Blair Armstrong (34:53)
Amen. Yeah.

Brent Wright (35:02)
but it's my decision. And she knows that I'm looking out for the safety of her and my kids. And so you can't be all you can be if you're worried and looking over your shoulder and you don't feel safe. So as you progress and are paying attention to the signs for the next person, one, make sure it's not a codependent situation. Two, make sure that you feel safe.

And that's what you seek out. And that will help you to break this codependent RNA connection and will show your kids. So I would really have a talk with them. I don't know what their ages are, but I would really have a talk with them. It doesn't even matter if they're four, they're sponges, right? So, but have a talk with them about we, me, you and God are gonna break our generational RNA response to trauma.

Blair Armstrong (35:45)
Yeah.

Brent Wright (35:55)
and to codependency and all these things. And they're like, they're like, well, what does that mean? Well, you, you, you have feelings. You need to come talk to me. We'll work through them and then take what you're reading and apply it. Actually apply it. So I've read thousands of books. I just started applying this stuff not too long ago. And the difference is in the application.

Blair Armstrong (36:19)
I think that's really important what you said to me, but both of you guys. Thank you for today so far. I mean, I know we have more to go through, but man, this has been awesome. I think, you know, we do read a lot and sometimes you don't apply things like that or you watch stuff or you know, you watch this podcast and our conversations, how much of the conversation you and I had, we actually applied. I mean, I bet you, you know, as we said, we barely scratched the surface on some, some, some stuff that we have to, there's some triggers that you and I have said.

Brent Wright (36:46)
Well,

the door is lava. How has that changed your life?

Blair Armstrong (36:49)
the door is lava, right? I it's amazeballs.

mean, I mean, that's been a ripple effect to not only, obviously we still joke about it once in a while, which is a good joke, you know, she, you know, she shares that story with her friends too. You know,

Brent Wright (37:05)
I yelled at my wife across the

I go to go across to load everything in the rental car when we were at Disneyland. And she goes to grab the door handle. And I said, the door's lava, Blair.

Blair Armstrong (37:16)
So to

kind of catch you up on that, we had this conversation, it was one of the beginning of our episodes and Brent brought some six or something like that. And we just, know, are you getting the door, you know, walking into a store, walking into a restaurant, opening the car door for your wife. And, you know, and to set a trigger in that is for a while, like remember that door handles lava.

Brent Wright (37:22)
Like six or eight or something.

Blair Armstrong (37:40)
don't touch it. And so that would put the obsess now there's certain times that it doesn't happen. Not by on purpose, but you have to you know, so there's a trigger. So once in a while when she's being funny, she's just, ah, door so hot. It's like lava. And so you go over there and open the door and you do those things. So those are just little triggers that we do. And it's cutesy and stuff like that. Let's put her the safety apart that but again, and I think Brett said something so good as well as to and I know that triggers something in you.

Brent Wright (38:01)
But that's part of the safety.

Blair Armstrong (38:10)
I saw your face change on there is like, but is, that you were, you've been looking for this leadership and there may have been some opportunities in the early stages of your relationship. I can look back at mine. I'm constantly trying to figure those out. I'm, I'm way behind a lot of stuff and I know that, but it's a constant evolution, but there probably has been some times you was like, were, you needed that leadership and that leadership never showed up.

Brent Wright (38:11)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Blair Armstrong (38:39)
Yeah. And there's a communication on you. There's a responsibility on your part to pull that out. I'm not putting it all back on him. But there was some reason. Yeah. Yeah.

Brent Wright (38:47)
That's the key. That's the key is sometimes

you have to lead from the rear instead of the front.

Blair Armstrong (38:52)
Yeah,

yes, you need to be the the encourager the one you got this you got this I I know that

Brent Wright (38:58)
No, it's not even so much that. Like, I don't remember that my wife needs and actively needs and seeks out date night for a connection. I'm horrible about it. She will cautiously remind me, I need a date night with you. And if I don't immediately go put it on the calendar, she will put it on the calendar and it will be a date night with your beautiful wife.

Blair Armstrong (39:17)
Yeah.

I love it.

Brent Wright (39:26)
And that just kills me that I forgot

to put it on the calendar. She's leading from the rear. She's allowing me to still be the leader, but she's leading me.

Blair Armstrong (39:40)
Yeah, something that you said. So my husband and I were just both broken coming into our marriage. We both had childhood trauma. both had.

brokenness in us. And in a way it created codependency for both of us. And we were both just two broken people trying to complete the other one. In a way there was idolatry in our own marriage with the other person. Instead of being full and healed and

complete through Christ, we were trying to create that completeness with the other person. yes, I probably masked some of my codependency through my over-independence, I would say. ⁓

Brent Wright (40:27)
You're both codependent likely.

Mm-hmm,

which then emasculated him, likely. this, this whole, well, again, it's like you said, well, like you said, it takes two, right? So, yeah.

Blair Armstrong (40:41)
which then emasculated him. Boy, he would love to hear that. Yeah, I definitely did that. Yeah, I did that.

It does take two and he

says that I mean, I did do that because I became a leader at a very young age, not because of choice, but because of necessity. And I mean, when we first met, we met at the gym, I was going to school for exercise science.

I took his job when he was on vacation. I'm just that girl. Like I'm just gonna get stuff done. And he, when I called him over Christmas, when he was back visiting his parents, keep in mind he was 18 and I was 19 when we met. And so it's been, you know, I've been that way. I've been a, I'm gonna fight my way to the top. Not so great in a marriage to be fighting your way to the top. So I've definitely been a,

Brent Wright (41:34)
Well,

it is as long as you're leading from the rear, right?

Blair Armstrong (41:37)
Yes, and that's been a learning lesson

for me. God's definitely been like, Shelley, yeah, Shelley, I love your independent Shelley, but that doesn't do so well for the masculinity of a man who needs to lead his family. And I actually realized that when he left, I did a lot of soul searching and I read some books

Brent Wright (41:42)
You're being polished.

Blair Armstrong (42:01)
that were pretty hard for me to read that friends gave me. You know you have a good friend when they give you a book you need to read that's like slapping you in the face, right? And one of them was called Tough Love. And I learned what I was doing wrong, but I learned a little bit too late from that particular relationship, unfortunately. So. ⁓

Brent Wright (42:19)
wanna

touch on your kids a little bit. I wrote down in response to what you said, this actually is a blessing for your kids. You need to really consider that because would you rather them have grown up and realize later that you guys only stayed together for the kids, cause people do that, right? And then that debilitates the kids, doesn't break the generational cycle.

Blair Armstrong (42:32)
Yeah.

Brent Wright (42:48)
Also, would you have rather them grown up with not having the example that you're actually seeking today versus the example that they had a year ago? I think this is an opportunity for them to not have the wrong example. mean, he'll always still be their dad, right? But there might be an opportunity for a better human example.

Blair Armstrong (43:02)
Yeah.

Brent Wright (43:14)
to come into their life and show them how to really treat a woman.

Blair Armstrong (43:19)
Yeah. Yeah. My kids have watched a lot of trauma over the last probably really five years of watching a marriage unfold.

Brent Wright (43:20)
how to really treat others.

That's the other thing I wrote down. This has been

done for long before it became done, right?

Blair Armstrong (43:33)
Yes, yeah.

I mean, honestly, it was my prayer. There's probably a small part of me that

I wanted us to fix ourselves and put our marriage back together because I wanted our kids to see that you don't give up on your covenant. You don't give up on your commitment to the Lord. So, I mean, I am already praying for my future husband that I will be what I need to be and that he will be whole. I wish the story would have ended different with my husband. I wish that we could have

fixed ourselves through the Lord and then put ourselves back together. I wouldn't say that I was staying with my husband for my kids. I loved my husband with every cell in my body. In fact, I still do. So I was in it because I was committed to him. I was committed my covenant and I was committed to the love that I had for him. so I wouldn't say I was staying just for the kids.

Brent Wright (44:18)
He

Blair Armstrong (44:36)
but him and I needed to heal and that healing wasn't necessarily happening with us together. So. Yeah, I think, you know, there's a big thing in that too, Brennan, I said.

And you said it, you said it too, and Brent said it. It's been witnessed a long time and staying in it the way that it was, if it would have got fixed, it's a whole different thing. But staying in it what it was, is basically extending that generational trauma. Because it's like, well, this is the way relationships are supposed to work. Mom and dad are supposed to be fighting. They're supposed to go and have a massive blowouts, blah, blah, blah. And you come together and it's okay. When really that's not okay. So now,

It's on both of you really. And this is coming from stuff that I'm still going through with my divorce mentally from I am and I'm hoping to pray that my son that you see over here with missing two kids changes that generational portion of it to where what I'm trying to say is that it's not okay to be in those relationships. You can't

Brent Wright (45:32)
you

Blair Armstrong (45:42)
make dad feel bad or emasculate him, right? And you can't treat mom that way, right? So how do we fix it? These are some of the, these are some of the guard, which we talked about last week. These are the guard rails that you need to stay in. They may be restrictive, but as Brent talked about last week, restrictive is okay because it keeps safety and clarity on the ultimate goal where we're supposed to go. And that's realistically when you make a covenant with God in marriage, that's where it's supposed to be.

So there's certain things that you do is when you're driving down that highway of life and you have those guard rails out, there's certain times that you're going to have to throw stuff over the guard rail to go ahead and can make sure that the roadway is clear. So, and it's up to you and it's up to your husband, soon to be ex-husband to say, hey, this is where we failed. So next time that you're in this situation, even though that you're going to be coaching a part,

next time you're in this situation or if you have this situation, do this, this and this because I didn't do this and this is what the ripple effect was. So there is what Brent said to it and what you said too is massive learning experience, not only for yourself, for your next relationship and your ex-husband's or soon to be ex-husband's next relationship, but realistically it's for the kids. This is no longer about you. It's no longer about him. It's about

your three kids that you have and how that turns out and a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer. So do anything else. I mean, I just, again, we could go hours on this. And I think that we come back in a couple months and kind of share some stuff of, you've got, I have interacted with your kids. They've got, they have a good upbringing.

and they have a good base. Sometimes things need to be refined. Sometimes you go in the fire to burn off the yuck. Right now they're burning off the yuck and it's hard for them to understand and it's not easy for kids to go through all this stuff and it's not easy for you to go through it, but they have a good base at the end of the day. And I think that's good. I'm excited to see what happens to all of them.

I know that I'm intertwined in a little bit of way with them, which is awesome to see. But you also have a great group of people that are also intertwined with them too. And that's a big deal. They can be vulnerable. They can be themselves. I hope that what you did today, when they see this, allows them to be vulnerable because that's what they really need right now. We've talked about this a lot is when you go through this type of trauma, especially with your son, it gets to the point of that

gosh darn, I'm just gonna stay here in the silo. I'm in these guard rails and I'm gonna make these guard rails so small that no one else can get in. That's where you have to say, no, we can't do that. Well, and that's really, need to come from your husband. like this, cannot stay in the silo. have to face those fears and hopefully that's in your husband's repertoire, which I don't know if it is right now, but I mean, hopefully he finds that. Anything for you, buddy?

Brent Wright (48:52)
So you've heard you can't have the light without the dark. I want to give you a reflection on that a little bit. I wrote this down this morning, not knowing where I would apply it today. So I literally wrote this down 6.30, 6.45 this morning. Be grateful for the pain. Be grateful for the rain. There is always sun after the storm.

Blair Armstrong (49:01)
you

Yeah.

Brent Wright (49:18)
The other thing that I wrote down in response to one of your statements was, others spark the fire. It's your option to decide if you're gonna get burnt or

You control the narrative. It doesn't matter if somebody else starts the fire. You have to control the narrative.

Blair Armstrong (49:34)
Yes. Yeah. There's some, it's, reading this book about finding the blessings and brokenness and brokenness is where we're refined. It's, it's, I mean, everything that you think of that is refined, it's done in the fire. It's done. Yes. And

Brent Wright (49:42)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, it says it in the Bible, you're like silver.

Blair Armstrong (49:58)
Sometimes God allows brokenness. There's been a lot of I'm sure a lot of people are on their knees begging God Please Lord put this together. Don't don't have my marriage end or cure my cancer or Whatever it is that you're going through and he doesn't answer that prayer in your time, but it's through the brokenness that Refines you and the one thing that

I know is going to be part of my testimony is I'm going to use my brokenness to bless other people because

Brent Wright (50:32)
Mm-hmm.

Blair Armstrong (50:32)
being isolated.

is not going to help anybody else. I need to serve and through serving the Lord, however, however that is through my work, through my friendships, through ministry, through serving at church, whatever it is, however it is that you feel like through your gifts, and that's a whole other conversation, we all have spiritual gifts, right? I need to use this brokenness to refine myself so I can feed into other women.

who need support, who need to know that they're not alone because nobody should be going through trauma, hurt, pain, whatever, being burnt in the ashes by themselves. We are human. We are meant to have a support system. And you need to use your trauma to bless other people and not just be stuck in it.

be re-refined, let the Lord break you and then shine. Use that brokenness to shine on other people and love on them and support them and yeah.

Brent Wright (51:41)
I wanna give you a tool, maybe you've heard about this or not. I always try to give a tool at least once every other episode or so. So you talked about your gratitude list, that your friend's holding you accountable to that. So the next step in that, and I teach this and coach this with my coaching clients as well. Have you ever heard of the mirror exercise?

Blair Armstrong (51:43)
Okay.

Ha

Yeah.

I have, but let's hear it from your perspective.

Brent Wright (52:09)
So you have to do it in this order. You have to do your IMs or your gratitudes. Then you have to do the mirror.

So you have to invoke spirit into your body, your soul, your mind, then you do the mirror exercise. So no different than going to bootcamp, you have to be broken down to your base and be opened and accepting of the next steps before you can grow. Okay. So where you're going to grow is in and be broken at the same time is in that mirror exercise. So try.

Blair Armstrong (52:19)
Okay.

Do want to give us an

example?

Brent Wright (52:48)
Yeah, try staring at yourself after you do your IMs for three minutes. And I guarantee you the first five, 10, 12 times, you're gonna cry like a baby.

Blair Armstrong (53:00)
So you're just staring at yourself.

Brent Wright (53:02)
staring at yourself, getting right with yourself. Blair tried it. He didn't make a minute the first time.

Blair Armstrong (53:09)
It's not fun, man. Because you're, what are you thinking? Well, because there's a couple of different things. mean, everyone's going to come up with a different image. And what I found out too, after you do it a couple of times, first part, first time is just really hard to look at yourself because you understand that God made you birth perfection with no exit, with no exit. Right. And so when you're looking at yourself and you know that you haven't really lived to your potential.

It's a little bit for maybe not so much for women. I'm just speaking on behalf of a guy. But when you're looking at yourself and you know that you haven't really utilized the potential that he has given you, it's a check. And so what Brett is saying is that when you're saying your I am, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, and you keep telling yourself that, and then you're looking at yourself in the mirror, are you really doing those things? It's basically the same thing what you talked about.

Are you reading stuff and applying it? Are you just reading the stuff and it's words and now it's out in the universe and you don't care. So basically that mirror is holding you accountable for everything that you just read. Now you have to look at yourself and how are you applying that to yourself? And sometimes it's a massive punch in the face. And sometimes like, you know what? I did good. did, you know, I, as God said, I did good at you. Well, unfaithful servant, but it takes a little bit of time. It's holding yourself accountable.

that realistically you're looking at an image that God created and you cannot. And every time that he saved your butt, that face is from him. Yeah. So, also realizing that as a woman, you are enough because in this society, I'm telling you, I've just completely decided to change my algorithm on Instagram. It, it,

Brent Wright (54:37)
So.

Blair Armstrong (54:50)
It was just too much to just look at all these women with their filters and compare as a woman who's approaching 50 and soon to be single and thinking, why wasn't I enough? But the Lord says you were, you weren't the problem. You weren't the problem. Men don't.

Brent Wright (55:12)
So I wanna ask you to reframe that. So instead of saying you weren't the problem, saying I wasn't the solution in that situation.

Blair Armstrong (55:20)
Yeah.

Brent Wright (55:21)
because it takes the onus off of somebody else placing blame and puts it on you, but in a positive way that allows you to grow through that discussion.

Blair Armstrong (55:21)
or maybe Yeah.

Yeah. Lot to learn. I am just a few months into this journey. So a lot, a lot to learn. ⁓

Brent Wright (55:35)
guess.

So when you do your

IMs, an example from before, I am a person of abundance, okay? Just something simple. Everybody wants to be a person of abundance. If you say that, you're invoking spirit into that sentence. And then you go look at yourself in the mirror, and then you question yourself, am I truly being a person of abundance?

And you're going to be very aware of the cracks in the mirror, even though there's no cracks in the mirror that you're looking at. Does that make sense?

Blair Armstrong (56:12)
Yeah. Yeah. It's a journey. It's a journey. You're still a pup. Yeah. So you got a couple of years left in you. Yeah. So any final words from you? mean, first and foremost, thank you for much. This is a lot. I'm very impressed. As fresh as this is, is how you got through it. So there's strength in that. Yeah. And you helped a lot of people today. Yeah, I hope so. Know that.

You did, you may never see it, but you helped a lot of people today. Any final words for you?

Boy, that's a hard one to put on me without me really thinking about that. what's on your heart? I would say the one thing that first comes to my mind is people are always watching. And I don't mean that in a way to think about judgment on you, but your children are watching, your friends are watching, the Lord is watching. And you have an opportunity to

be an example for somebody, whether it's being real, because not many people want to be real. They want to, like I said, they want to put the Instagram filter on and allowing somebody to be real in their situation or being somebody's strength because like we talked about the hug, people are watching, my children are watching my journey in this and

other people are watching you and your journey. We're all going through stuff. It's not like I'm the only one on the planet going through things, but I would say people are watching. The other thing I would say is never stop filling yourself up, whatever it is with positivity. Think about your circle. Think about who is in your circle. Are they healthy? Are you healthy for them?

your friendship isn't a one way street. Obviously, when someone's going through something as challenging as I've been going through, the conversations tend to be pretty one way, right? Because the person's hurting and they don't have the strength to give the other person. But your circle, what are you feeding into your mind? What are you listening to? I know every now and then I put on some rap to get myself motivated, right? Like, but what are you hearing? What are you seeing?

Brent Wright (58:21)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Blair Armstrong (58:32)
How are you using your time? Are you just Netflixing out? I don't even know if that's a word, but I just made it up. Yeah. Are you waking up every day with a purpose?

with this is a whole other story. I know we don't have a lot of time, but with my testimony, with what I went through with my spine injury, when you come close to death and you are literally kissing death, every single day is a gift. And so are you waking up looking at the trees, looking at the sun, we're looking at the sun and it's 115, but even that is a gift. Are you looking at every day as a gift and an opportunity?

Brent Wright (58:59)
⁓

Blair Armstrong (59:12)
We only have a certain number of days on this earth. We don't know how many could be one. It could be, I could live to be 101. We don't know, but I would say, are you looking at every single day as a gift? Because our days are numbered and we need to use them wisely. So I'm sure there's probably about a million other things that I wish I could say. We're gonna have you back. Yeah. Write those down, start your journal.

Look at yourself in the mirror, keep doing your I ams. Again, this is a journey and it's long, it's just starting. Don't be afraid in that. You have obviously amazing support system. You have another support system, obviously. And Brett, I'm sure when April watches this, she would be a support level. Chrissy's already becoming a support level for you. I know that you guys have had some conversations. I don't know about them, but I know that you've had conversations. So I just think that's great. So keep surrounding with people that are going to build you up, right?

Brent Wright (59:48)
you

Blair Armstrong (1:00:08)
and then the darkness is, remember what you said that to every day is a gift. There's going to be darkness that you're going to forget that. So hopefully that is a trigger in your mind when you say that, even though you said that, how are you applying that? Right? That's a big thing to it. So Brent, do you have any final words? And then we're going to sign off. went Joe Rogan today, man. This was pretty good.

Brent Wright (1:00:26)
We did. So when I got my divorce, I joined a church after I moved and they put on a class for men on how to be a good husband from a biblical standpoint. I signed up for the class. There are about 38 guys in here in the class. All were married except for me.

The pastor asked me after the class, I'm really glad that you showed up, but why are you here? You're not married.

I said, because one day I'm going to be presented with the perfect opportunity. One, I don't want to miss it. I want to seek out the right opportunity and I want to pay attention to it. The second thing is, is I don't want to screw it up again.

And I want to do it from a biblical perspective. And so I would tell you, if you have an opportunity to do something like that, do it. Also, my wife and I do couples coaching and I'd be willing to bet that she would be okay with us doing a single coaching with you as well. So you could get the man's perspective and the woman's perspective.

from a biblical standpoint, from a spot where we are trying to break generational curses ourself, okay? And we're trying to change our bloodline. And I think that we have, and we will continue to do that. Her perspective might help you with the kids. My perspective might help you with the kids. Both of our perspectives might help you personally. And so I think...

Think about it, pray about it, happy to go down that road.

A wise man plants a tree he may never sit under the shade of. You've heard that, you've probably thought about it, you've probably never figured out how to apply that in your life. But today, today is the day that you'll learn how to apply that.

Blair Armstrong (1:02:09)
Wow, that's beautiful.

Wow, that's great. Thank you so much. Thank you for- you guys came on. I'm you came on here. Brent and I are super grateful for that. mean, that's what we built this podcast for, right? Is to share your wins and share your losses and you did both today. ⁓ I pray that your kids, and I think they will when they watch this or listen to it, whatever they do, is they're gonna feel and see your strength. It's awesome.

Brent Wright (1:02:23)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Blair Armstrong (1:02:40)
kind of been along with you on this journey, not as intense as a lot of other people, but I mean, we've been there because we work together in so much way. anyway, guys, what I really want to get into is really watch this episode. I probably, this is going to be one of those you need to watch two or three times because there was a lot in here. If you're struggling in a relationship and you don't have faith, we're basically going to tag her in this episode. So reach out to her.

Maybe there's some understanding that she can give you. Obviously, we have Brent and you have me and we have resources to get you out there. So if you're struggling in a relationship to it or you have a relationship that failed and you don't know how to get out of the darkness, that is what we're here for. Do not take that for granted. Take that as a lifeline and understand that there's band-aids and then you too will get better, but just.

Incredibly grateful for all you guys that follow us share this freaking episode because everyone's going through it right now We talked about marriages today, but there's business relationships. There's a personal relationships. There's friendships relationships with your kids that all Everything that we talked about today you can apply it to so share this episode with your friends Give us a comment of what you're doing to get through it or where you're stuck And then Brent and her I or Shelly will reach out to you

and try to help you through it. And if we can't do it, as I said, we'll get you to the right people to help you with your struggles. So thank you again very, very much for being a part of this. We're gonna bring you back in a couple months. Yeah, probably Lily too. I'm probably gonna get Lilz on here. She's coming up. But anyways, guys, thank you so much for your continued support. If you haven't done so yet, hit that subscribe button, hit the notification bell. You're watching YouTube or Spotify or Amazon or.

I heart radio or whatever what channel you're watching this on do that and as I said to share this freaking show But until we see each other next week guys stay safe. Most of all, God bless. Take care